I bought a mixer.
It wasn’t something I had planned to do, but it was there at the store, boasting its multipurposeness as a stand mixer or a handheld one, all for only $30. So I bought it.
But I kind of hate that I bought it. Or, more accurately, that I had to buy it.
Mixers seem like, as this blogger wrote, “a ‘wedding ticket’ item,” not the sort of thing one buys on a whim at Aldi. In my family, my grandma gives a mixer as a bridal shower gift. My sister and sister-in-law have theirs, and my engaged cousin will get hers in the next few months. Coming from my grandma, who bakes with great skill and as an expression of love and caring for her family and friends, it is the perfect gift.
So this is not how I planned on getting a mixer. It’s not how I wanted to get my mixer.
Because it’s not just a mixer. It feels like a symbol of how my life is going differently than I had planned or hoped. It’s one of those little things that has slapped me in the face and reminded me that I’m single but would prefer not to be.
It’s irrational, I know, to be tying my purchase of a mixer to the fact that I am single. My relationship status should not be connected to a kitchen appliance.
But telling yourself your line of thinking and feeling is irrational does not take the sting away. I still would like to not be single, and at its core, that is not bad. I have a full life, and for the most part I’m very happy with it; but I desire to get married, to have that one person to live and laugh and grow with, who will encourage me to love and serve and glorify God better as I do the same for him.
When you desire something and that desire is coming from a good place, all the wonderful things in your life can’t make up for what you don’t have.
I always hesitate to publish posts like this one. It can come across as whiney and ungrateful for the people I do have in my life, but I can’t wave a magic wand to make myself stop feeling like I would rather not be single. Buying a mixer, going to weddings, seeing the Valentine’s Day cards—all of these (and so many more) can be very sharp reminders of one’s singleness.
Now, I’m not made of glass; I won’t shatter as I walk through the Valentine’s candy aisle or sitting at a wedding (I actually quite enjoy weddings sometimes), and buying the mixer didn’t ruin my week. But I’m also not made of stone, and sometimes being single hurts. Yes, I’m young, I’m grateful for the freedom being single allows me, I know that being in a relationship isn’t easy either, and there’s lots of hope for me. But none of those change my current reality of being single when I’d prefer not to be, of having bought my own mixer because I don’t know if or when I’ll get one in some other way.
So I own a mixer now. I could glare at this kitchen appliance in resentment over the way it reminds of how my life is going differently than I’d hoped, and honestly, there may be moments when I do. I could also use that mixer and learn to make really awesome food, keeping in mind that unfinished stories leave room for unexpected endings.
I’ll strive for the second.
Til next time…
p.s. Have you ever had something be a reminder of how your life isn’t turning out like you hoped it would?
13 thoughts on “Singleness, Desire, and Buying The Mixer”
Ahhh… a mixer the gateway kitchen appliance that signals you’re really, really an adult. 🙂 I went through something similar when I bought my condo. I bought it as a single woman, at 24. And suddenly, I was buying all the kitchen gadgets that are “wedding items” I’d get excited about them and then totally depressed. I was especially depressed because 2 years before I was supposed to be getting married (and then he ended it).
“Who am I going to cook for? It’s just me” was something I asked all the time. And it tasted bitter. But during the last eight years, I’ve cooked for a lot of people. Boyfriends, Friends, Family, and now even my dog. I’ve learned that filling your life with food can fill it with people. And both lead to a full life, single or not. You dear, are not your relationship status. In 8 years, you may be married with babies or single like me. But I promise, whatever your future is, it will feel full.
“Filling your life with food can fill it with people.” I love this! Thanks for the excellent reminder, Tamaryn.
Aunt Lori here – thanks for sharing. You are honest and brave and kind…and will soon be a better baker! I like the idea of using the mixer to bake for others – and just accepting that this is how it is now. “Caught in between the now and the not yet”…a line from an old Amy Grant song. The thing is Brianna – we are all waiting for something. Learning to wait and be content is a lesson for all of us to learn…you are in good company.
Speaking of which, you were last weekend.
So true, Aunt Lori. Waiting just looks different depending on which stage of life we’re in, I suppose.
Thanks again for having me last weekend–I absolutely loved spending time with all of you!
Hi Brianna! I am a 2012 college graduate, too (your blog title is what drew me in), so I am guessing we are about the same age. I met my boyfriend senior year of college and hadn’t dated anyone previously. So I definitely know what it feels like to not want to be single. 🙂 Is it pretty standard in your community to get married in or right out of college?
I graduated in 2012 as well. Yes, it’s pretty common for people around here to get married during or soon after college, which definitely contributes to my feelings on all of this. Thanks for stopping by, Elizabeth!
I love this. It’s a simple object transformed into something more. Is that utterly human? One small thing triggers and avalanche. I feel you though. I’m 25, single and unemployed with a college degree. It’s hard to be happy about circumstances. But I guess it takes perseverance. We’ll be ok even though it doesn’t feel like it right now. By the way I’m working on a similar post, this one was triggered by the pen aisle at Office Depot. 🙂
Yup, sometimes all it takes is one tiny thing to dredge up a whole bunch of emotions. It’s hard to remember “I’l be okay,” but I think you’re right on. Looking forward to your post from the pen aisle!
Thank you for your transparency, honesty, and vulnerability. I really struggled when my BFF got married when we were 25 and I was single. I struggled at 26 when she became pregnant. And again at 28 when she bought a house. In my mind because we were the same age and called to do life together then, well,these milestones were also supposed to be shared. And even though I now understand God’s plan is unique to each child, and marriage and motherhood have their own challenges, there is still a dying to self in me. Dying to the way our culture tells me my life is supposed to be like. But the beautiful thing is even though Christ calls us to this unique path He understands that it’s hard, unbearable at times. And He is compassionate. Thanks for offering a safe place to be vulnerable 🙂
That’s a lesson I think I’ll always be learning–that God has a different plan for each person, and one is not “better” than the other (even though it sometimes looks that way to me!). I so appreciate you stopping by regularly and taking the time to share your story, Nicole.