Full-Time Freak Out

Several big events occurred in the past week.

1) I put an event in my Google Calendar that looks like this:


2) I updated the Behind the Words page of my blog.

3) I started a full-time job.


The first two wouldn’t have taken place, except the third thing did.

Since discovering the wonderfulness of Google Calendar, I’ve entered a lot of events. Some were as simple as a reminder to “Call Grandparents’ or “Go to Store.”

This was the first time I have ever put a recurring event that Ends: Never.

Whoo. Deep breaths.

At moments, it has me just this side of a freak out.

For someone whose life has been defined in semesters, school years, and summers, an event that “Never” ends is a seismic shift. If I look at my calendar a month from now, “Work” is on every day of the week, 8-4:30. It’s that way in 7 months, a year, and on. Instead of  months-long chunks of being in school or not being in school, my life is suddenly planned out, rather uniformly, for the foreseeable future.

Quite a drastic change from right after I graduated from college, when I fretted about how I would fill the large gaps of space in my calendar, or even a few months ago, when I contemplated how life felt out of control.

It’s kind of a lot to take in.

It’s also oddly amusing.

So many times I’ve said that I’m bad at change, and I’ll continue to say it. This change in schedule due to my new job, this change in mindset (‘I’m a working adult”), this change in how I view my life–in a lot of ways, it’s a change from uncertainty to certainty. Yet this step into certainty is causing nearly as much uneasiness and trepidation as the uncertainty of the last year.

After a while, I’d kind of gotten used to the uncertainty. While we may not have been friends, we were at least associates. It’s not as though having a full-time job immediately settles every aspect of my life–I still have plenty of things I can’t plan, don’t know how they’ll turn out, can’t make a timeline for. Maybe I’ll be able to have a little more appreciation for the areas I am uncertain of now that I’m more certain of one thing

Using the word “certain” is a bit presumptuous, of course–there are no guarantees in any area of life, so there is no guarantee of exactly how long I’ll be at this job. Still, it’s a lot more certain and stable than most of what I’ve done in the past few years.

None of these feelings are a result of my particular job. Though I’ve only been at it for 3.5 days, I think I’ll genuinely like it.

But I’m telling you, if you make the transition to hanging-out-and-working-some to working full time, it’s a change. Bigger than you might think. And if you work full time, maybe you’ve been there. I knew this change was coming, as I was the one who applied for the job and went to the interviews. Even before it was this job, I knew one of the next logical steps in my life would be to start working full time…but it’s different.

I’m learning what life looks like when 40 hours a week of it is spent at work.

Til next time…


p.s. Do you work? Will you tell me about your experience with it, full time, part time, or otherwise?


9 thoughts on “Full-Time Freak Out

  1. Yes to all of this. I still frequently freak out that there is no end in sight…but eventually you develop a rhythm. And there is a sort of beauty in that rhythm. It’s a good thing.

    1. I’m looking forward to getting into that rhythm. Once I do I’ll probably be fine, but until that point I’m anticipating a few more freak outs (and blog posts).

  2. It’s kind of nice to know you can rely on one thing when you get out of college: that when you start working, it’s what you’ll be doing. There will be a predictable rhythm to most of your days. I’m excited you got a job! Where are you working?

    1. Predictability is exactly what I’m getting used to. In ways I like it–there is (and will be) comfort to the rhythm. This adjustment phase I’m in right now is just going to be interesting.

      Thanks, I’m excited for it too, mixed in with all the apprehensiveness, haha.

      Thanks for stopping by, Annie!

  3. Hey you! Congrats on the full time job! I remember what that was like…I didn’t get a job until October after I graduated and it was crazy.

    The first three months, I hated it. Then I decided to hold to my guns and keep the job for a year. At six months, I hated it a little less. At nine, I hated it more than you can imagine.

    Now a year and 2 months into it (+1, hoping on 2 promotions), I can honestly say that I love my job. I think I hated it for so long because it infringed on my “Free time.” I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. As soon as my 9-6 time frame was eaten up, I had to settle into a new rhythm. And I hate new rhythms.

    Find something you LOVE to do in your job. Focus on it and all of the not-so-lovely things will become bearable. If you get the sudden urge to just go back to school, remember all of those times you ended up saying, “I can’t wait to have a full time job. Life will be so much easier.” While it isn’t easier, it still can be fun, no matter how you look at it. 🙂

    1. Thanks Lisa!

      I think that’s exactly it–this is going to majorly infringe on my “free time,” and I’ll have to learn to fit everything I like to do in a much more limited amount of time. Once I settle in I think I’ll truly like my job, which I’m grateful for. As you said though, I don’t always do well with new rhythms. Thanks for sharing your story, Lisa. 🙂

  4. Congrats on your job. I was full-time for years but found the constant treadmill to be a bit much so I switched to part-time and freelance work. I’m glad I did the full-time years, though; they make me appreciate my current self-directed schedule even more. Best of luck with your job!

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