Yet again, I find myself not knowing what I’ll be doing only a few months from now. Earlier this week I listened to Christmas music, had a conversation with a coworker about Christmas traditions, and today I read several Christmas books to the kids I babysat. Not surprisingly, it got me thinking…What will I be doing come Christmas? And shortly thereafter?
I don’t know. One of my part-time jobs will likely end in mid-December, and the other will be going through some changes starting very soon. I’m not really sure what shape those changes will take and how they might affect my future.
Uncertainty and I have become quite close these past few months, though I can’t say we’ve become friends. Closeness and fondness do not always go hand in hand.
Yet I can see uncertainty and I have journeyed quite a ways together. In June I wrote of jumbled thoughts, and many of those jumbled thoughts remain even now, and likely will from here into the foreseeable future. The longer I’ve had to mull over those jumbled thoughts, the more used to them I have become. They still don’t sit well with me, lurking at the edges of my mind, unsettling me…yet the unsettledness has become nearly commonplace.
When I graduated from college, not knowing what I would be doing in a few months terrified me. In a lot of ways, it still does, but on a smaller scale. I may not be hugging uncertainty and inviting it to my best friend for life, but I have certainly become more accustomed to its presence, and have begun to accept that it will likely always be present, even if only in small ways. It feels as though the uncertainty of life as a whole has become more real, instead of just the uncertainty of my present circumstances. Uncertainty has settled in; perhaps not taken root, but firmly planted its folding chair on the sidelines and determined to stay for a while.
“Friends” implies far too much fondness for what uncertainty and I have become, though “foe” is far too harsh the other way. “Associate” may be the best word for our relationship–there is not an abundance of fondness implied there, but some closeness.
Meet my associate, Uncertainty. We’ll likely be together for quite some time.
Til next time…