Yet again, I find myself not knowing what I’ll be doing only a few months from now. Earlier this week I listened to Christmas music, had a conversation with a coworker about Christmas traditions, and today I read several Christmas books to the kids I babysat. Not surprisingly, it got me thinking…What will I be doing come Christmas? And shortly thereafter?
I don’t know. One of my part-time jobs will likely end in mid-December, and the other will be going through some changes starting very soon. I’m not really sure what shape those changes will take and how they might affect my future.
Uncertainty and I have become quite close these past few months, though I can’t say we’ve become friends. Closeness and fondness do not always go hand in hand.
Yet I can see uncertainty and I have journeyed quite a ways together. In June I wrote of jumbled thoughts, and many of those jumbled thoughts remain even now, and likely will from here into the foreseeable future. The longer I’ve had to mull over those jumbled thoughts, the more used to them I have become. They still don’t sit well with me, lurking at the edges of my mind, unsettling me…yet the unsettledness has become nearly commonplace.
When I graduated from college, not knowing what I would be doing in a few months terrified me. In a lot of ways, it still does, but on a smaller scale. I may not be hugging uncertainty and inviting it to my best friend for life, but I have certainly become more accustomed to its presence, and have begun to accept that it will likely always be present, even if only in small ways. It feels as though the uncertainty of life as a whole has become more real, instead of just the uncertainty of my present circumstances. Uncertainty has settled in; perhaps not taken root, but firmly planted its folding chair on the sidelines and determined to stay for a while.
“Friends” implies far too much fondness for what uncertainty and I have become, though “foe” is far too harsh the other way. “Associate” may be the best word for our relationship–there is not an abundance of fondness implied there, but some closeness.
Meet my associate, Uncertainty. We’ll likely be together for quite some time.
Til next time…
~Brianna!~
The Art of Becoming 
So as I was thinking about this post, a little while after I read it, I heard the song Restless by Switchfoot and I thought it was very fitting. When a song speaks to me, I started looking up the lyrics (even if its a song I’ve heard a million times and know by heart) and even if you’ve heard this song I want to share it with you now:
I am the sea on a moonless night, calling, falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes, the endless aching drops of light
I am the raindrop falling down, always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas, even my blood finds ways to bleed
Even the rivers ways to run, even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams, even in my dreams
I am restless, I am restless, I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you
I am the thorn stuck in your side, I am the one that you left behind,
I am the dried up doubting eyes, looking for the well that won’t run dry
Running hard for the other side, the world that I’ve always been denied
Running hard for the infinite, with the tears of the saints and hypocrites
Oh blood of black and white and gray, death and life and night and day, one by one by one, we let our rivers run
I can hear you breathing, I can hear you leading
More than just a feeling, more than just a feeling
I can feel you reaching, pushing through the ceiling, ’til the final healing, I’m looking for you
Until the sea of glass we meet, at last completed and complete
The tide of tear and pain subside and laughter drinks them dry
I’ll be waiting, anticipating, all that I aim for, what I was made for, with every heartbeat, all of my blood bleeds, running inside me, looking for you.
My mom went home to be with Jesus after a four year fight against cancer a few years ago and Bri, I have to tell you, of the many many many things I have learned (for lack of a better word) from it is that nothing in this life is certain apart from Jesus. This is not our home. Really truly, nothing will satisfy this side of Heaven except for Him. I feel like our longing and searching for answers is all just our deeply rooted desire for Him and the great thing about that is He is the author and perfecter of our faith- He’ll lead us and guide us. And sure, sometimes we may feel as though his timing is way WAAAAAAAY off but if He says that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him, then we just have to trust that: my mom’s passing, our current situations, jobs, singleness, living at home… its all part of His plan. Again, it has been such a blessing to follow your blog and read your writing and just have that assurance that I am not the only one struggling, wrestling, learning and growing in my faith. And I would just say, to both of us, where we are in life now and in the future, one thing is, He is the same yesterday, today and forever… He’ll never leave us or forsake us… I could go on, but instead I’ll just say when uncertainty comes knocking, just cling to His promises- they’ll never change.
Love and prayers.
-Amy, a small town girl with big dreams and a big heart for good writing, good music and God
Thanks for sharing that song–I hadn’t heard it before, but I’ll definitely be listening to it again. You make so many good points about learning to trust in God and cling to his promises; these are the things that sound so simple, but can become incredibly tough in everyday circumstances. But as you say, “He’ll never leave us or forsake us.” Such truth.
Thank you again for your words of encouragement, and for sharing a piece of your story. So glad every time you stop by.