One of the most difficult parts of being single is that I feel like I’m always fighting.
Fighting to be content.
Fighting to remember my life is now, not if or when I walk down the aisle.
Fighting to not compare.
Fighting to know there is meaning and purpose in this, the here and now.
Fighting to not be mad at God.
It gets tiring, to be fighting all the time.
I want to hang up my boxing gloves, lie down on the mat, and just be.
If I knew how to do that, I would’ve done it by now.
But even my attempts to stop fighting are, themselves, the source of the fight–the fight to be content, to remember my life is now, to not be mad at God.
That last one is the biggest problem, of course.
It’s not, objectively speaking, God’s fault I am single.
But I do believe God is all-powerful, listens to prayers, and hates to see his children hurt.
Which I struggle to make jive with my reality, in which I am single, it hurts, and God has the power to change it but hasn’t.
I trust God and that he has a plan for me, for each part of my life.
But I don’t think trusting him takes away pain or hardship.
So I don’t know exactly where all this leaves me.
I’ve tried to stop fighting, to just be, and yet getting there is its own kind of fight.
Singleness seems to be an enduring kind of fight.
A refining, lesson-riddled, challenging, sometimes freeing and rewarding fight.
But a fight all the same.
Til next time…
p.s. Do you ever feel like you’re fighting to be content with where you are?