Maybes and January 2012

Lately I’ve spent time looking through some of my old journals. Entries from last year at this time were filled with much optimism and hope, despite the uncertainty I was facing. Then, for a while, they teemed with hurt and realizations of the brokenness in and around me. Dashes of hope were sprinkled less liberally, but still there. Like this:

“Maybe God’s plan for me is much bigger than I let myself think…”

Months later, I’m still contemplating the same thought. If I could write my own life for the next five years or so, it probably wouldn’t include anything outlandish: A job that fulfills me and makes me feel like I’m making a difference in the world, an adorably eclectic apartment, a nice boy, a wedding, a house decked in handmade crafts, a baby. Perhaps some visits to friends around the globe, some articles published elsewhere (maybe even in print?), some good stories to tell of exciting adventures. But nothing too crazy.

Maybe some, or all, of those things will come to pass.

Then again, maybe bigger things will.

Maybe I’ll learn what true contentment about being single looks and feels like. Maybe I’ll move across the country or globe, crying as I leave family and friends, but rejoicing as I struggle and learn to find community somewhere other than where I’ve grown up. Maybe I’ll create an incredibly successful career, and learn how to give generously beyond what I thought I’d ever be capable. Maybe I’ll run a marathon, or at least a longer distance than the 5ks I’ve done so far. Maybe I’ll discover a sport I’m actually good at and join a team. Maybe I’ll write a book. Maybe I’ll start an organization that changes the world.

And maybe not.

Let me be clear: neither of these would be bad ways for my life to go. They’re just different, and one happens to be full of things I’ve never really imagined for myself.

Maybe God’s list of things I’m going to do in the next few years is drastically different than either of those, full of things I haven’t thought of yet. Maybe I’ve put him in a box when it comes to imagining what my future, right now seeming so uncertain, holds.

Because maybe his plans are much bigger than I can think.

Til next time…


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