This post is an honest cop out.
It shouldn’t even be here.
I had a post in mind for today…but I’m not going to be able to make it work like it needs to, not in my current frazzled, weary state of mind.
Instead, I’ll refer you to two other posts of mine–because if I were to write for real tonight, it would end up sounding like a mash-up of the two anyway. Normally, I’d just not post anything, but my slight stubborn side refuses to let this day pass without posting. I signed on for writing through 31 Amazing Days, and I will not back down now. So here we are.
It’s not as though my day was horrible–it wasn’t. My brain just feels too full, muddled, and weighted to be able to make words do what I’d like them to. I think it’s a mark of a good writer to be able to write outside of your emotions, and many bloggers can…I admire them, even envy them that. Because today, I can’t. So instead…
A post from August, entitled “Identity Trial” (click the title to read the full post).
Graduating from college and attempting to enter “the big kid world” has brought about significant changes in many aspects of my life (some of which I mentioned here). I’ve lost my familiar rhythms of life, the frustrations and joys of schoolwork, and perhaps one I’m struggling with the most, the label of “college student.” So although for most of my life I had a fairly strong sense of who I am, right now my identity is…a bit in flux. Not quite an identity crisis.
An identity trial, if you will.
At my core I still know who I am; my belief in God is firmly intact, and I have a sense that I would like to do something with my life that is bigger than me, but not FOR me. I still know my likes and dislikes, things I am good at and not good at, things that make me laugh and those that make me cringe.
But that might be about where my list ends. For the time being, I am learning who I am outside of the classroom walls I spent so much time in. I am learning that though I am not enrolled at a particular school, I can still be a student—just in different ways. I am learning that I still have much to learn about just about everything.
And from just about a month ago, “Inadequate” (click to read the full post).
A few months ago my pastor asked me to consider being a part of my church’s leadership team. I was hesitant; for many reasons, but perhaps the main one being I felt like I wasn’t capable of it. My pastor told me I would be the youngest person on the team, which didn’t come as much of a surprise–most people in similar positions in the church I grew up in were in their thirties or older. As a fairly recent church plant, we do things a bit differently, but still…I felt much too young, far too inexperienced, and woefully inadequate for such a task…
Maybe that’s the way all our stories go. “I wasn’t equipped; God equipped me.” Even though it may not feel that way at the time we begin, or in the middle, or maybe even at the end.
But if I have learned anything from Bible stories, my own story, and the stories of those around me, it is that God uses broken people. People who feel inadequate, overwhelmed, and like there is no possible way they could ever do what God has asked them to.
Til next time…