This is the post I know I have to write.
It is also the post that is breaking my heart.
Uncertainty is not my forte.
Change is not my forte.
Letting go is not my forte.
Two weeks from tonight I will be graduating from college, and doing so involves a heavy dose of all those things. It means that I will be leaving the school I have spent so much time and energy pouring my heart and soul into for the past four years. It means leaving hallways and paths where I know almost everyone I see, dorms and lawns and parking lots where I have had some of the most meaningful and joy-filled moments in all my twenty-two years.
Most painfully of all, it means leaving behind people that I will possibly never see again. And that is what is breaking my heart the most. The community at Kuyper College is a beautiful, beautiful thing, full of wonderful people who genuinely care about each other and the world in general. It is doubtful that I will ever be surrounded on a daily basis by such a large number of people my around my age who are so committed to following the call of God upon their lives.
If I force myself to be realistic, there are people that I will never see again after graduation. Some of them I might not even be friends with, yet in small, odd ways I will miss their occasional presence in my life. Others have made impressions on my life, in good, bad, and everything-in-between ways, that they may never even realize; some I will bid farewell with nary a backward glance, but others I will hug tightly, and pray that I will see them again some day soon. Letting go and moving on are things I struggle with on a small scale, and I am overwhelmed by the immensity of what those things entail at this time.
I do not feel capable of letting go of so many people I have come to care deeply about.
I do not feel as though I am able to adequately embrace the joy of this change in life, because I am stuck wanting things to stay the same.
I do not feel very much like moving on, though I know I must.
Embracing the truth that God will fill my life with new people that, although they cannot replace those I have said goodbye to, will fill in some other gap in my life I may not even know I have–that seems a little too difficult right now. My heart is still too full of the people of my now for me to look forward to the people of my future. Over time, I know I will be able to slowly let go, to accept this change, and to move on.
But not yet. And I will still have my days and moments of missing. When you love something, it is only natural to miss it, and to mourn it. If something has value, it is worth being sad over.
I fully believe my college that I have been so involved with has value. I believe that the people I have come to know and appreciate and love, and the relationships I have cultivated with them, have immense value.
And so, because these things have value…I will miss them.
Kuyper College, I will miss you.
People of Kuyper College…I’ll miss you more.
Til next time…